By: Mordicai

 

A strange thing happened after watching Voyage of the Rock Aliens a second time: I didn’t want to shoot my VCR nearly as much as I had during the first viewing. Mind you, I still wanted to stop the horror, but I had grown enough as a person not to blindly sacrifice my most prized possession. This mild change of heart was probably due to the fact that I had already struggled through the 5 stages of bad film the first time. The first stage, denial: “This can’t be the movie. Let me check the tape.” The second stage, anger: “What the hell am I watching?” Third stage, bargaining: “Look, Frank, I’ll review three other films instead of this one.” Depression: “I don’t want to live in a world where this movie exists.” And finally, acceptance: “Well, how long can it really be?”

 

Excellent use of action figures.

 

First off, the film begins inexplicably with a music video of minor hit “When the Rain Begins to Fall” (a tune that you will come to know all too well) in which Pia Zadora sings a duet with Jermaine Jackson in a video-within-a-video that’s the bastard child of Purple Rain and Mad Max. What does this have to do with the story? Get used to that brand of lunacy as you strap yourself in for the VOTRA.

 

If you read the title, then you probably astutely deduced that there are these oh-so-wacky aliens who come to earth in search of both rock, roll, and opportunities for mindless screwball antics. Meanwhile, in the quiet hamlet of Speelburgh (wink wink, har har) Frankie (Craig Sheffer), the cheek-sucking frontman/leader of the band The Pack, struggles to maintain control over his toadies and keep his girlfriend Dee-Dee (the one and only Pia Zadora) in check. The Aliens, lead by Steve Martin look-alike “ABCD” (Tom Nolan,) play spacey instruments and show up The Pack, also catching the wandering eye of Dee-Dee. They have a ship’s robot that looks like a giant gumball and can change its form, this time into a fire hydrant, begging an eventual joke of the canine variety.

 

Light years ahead of Bill and Ted.

 

The film loses itself in the middle, a painful assault of random musical numbers, wacky jokes, and a strangely out of place message about the conservation status of “Lake Eerie.” Of course, Frankie becomes jealous of the new guy in town, of course ABCD has traveled across the universe and never met a girl with such a colorful headband, and of course some inmates escape from a prison for the criminally insane. And of course, there’s a big “battle of the bands” at the Sadie Hawkins dance or whatever. Surprisingly enough, the story takes a mature turn at the end, almost dodging cliché, but pees in the pudding by throwing in a silly, giant rubber lake monster.

 

Al Gore should have received partial writing credit.

 

The biggest travesty is a hammy appearance by Oscar-winner Ruth Gordon, who must have been senile at this point and unable to realize what she was getting into, as this was her second-to-last film. Pia Zadora isn’t terrible in a musical vehicle, bopping around her hardest trying to save this mess. Tom Nolan is fair, his performance Shakespearean compared to the non-actors around him.

 

Craig Sheffer looks like he would rather be in front of a mirror than be bothered with acting. By the way, any questions you had about Frankie’s sexual preference are answered in his video “Nature of the Beast.” Michael Berryman, famed movie mutant (last seen by RadRev at FearFest 2) is involved in an interesting romantic subplot repairing a chainsaw with Allison LaPlaca, whom I vaguely remember from the early FOX show “Duet.”

 

MTV, I hope you're watching!

 

VOTRA was somebody’s idea of a hip mix of comedy, science fiction, and musical merriment; it's too bad the parts don’t service the whole. There’s enough synthesizer to kill a horse, and the goofy musical numbers often come without warning, although that usually means a relief from the ridiculous comic interludes between songs. Basically, the aliens are a Devo rip-off, years after that was cool. The featured combo, Jimmy and the Mustangs (read producer’s nephew’s band,) owe the Stray Cats some royalties. You’ll catch yourself lamenting, “Another song?” in a film that won’t let you forget it’s a musical.

 

The experience is like a forced enema of the 80’s. Imagine the nerdy kid in class trying to be cool by mimicking the latest styles and trends, but not fooling anyone. Actually, there are some legitimate chuckles, but few and light years between and some mildly clever dialogue struggling for air in this polluted lake of silliness. At best, a poor man’s Earth Girls Are Easy, which is a poor man’s anything else. Voyage of the Rock Aliens is a film that tries so hard that you almost feel sorry for it. I noticed a few more smirks on the second viewing, once the initial shock had worn off, buy why watch this movie twice? Or even once for that matter?

 

 

Rating: 1.5/5 Flying V Spaceships

 

 

 

 

 

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