By: Mordicai

 

Let’s trade our legs in for wheels, saddle up with our "old ladies," and dig a little freedom, man. It’s about time for RadRev to turn a critical eye toward the motorcycle film. If you like go-go dancing girls in bikinis, sleeveless denim jackets and hairy dudes who haven’t bathed in weeks, then The Glory Stompers is your hog heaven. Future Easy Rider alums Peter Fonda and Jack Nicholson had already earned their biker movie stripes with The Wild Angels and Hells Angels on Wheels, respectively; it was now Dennis Hopper’s turn to throw his bandana into the ring.

 

The first thing that strikes you when you see this film is that it is a peculiar mismatch of clean-shaven good guys (who seemingly belong at a church bake sale) and gritty lowlifes who should have been in a more hardcore movie. The Glory Stompers sits at the cusp of this transition in the biker film - there are still a few holdout pageboy haircuts and go-go boots, but “there goes the neighborhood” as rowdy, bearded ruffians move to center stage of the genre. The moral fortitude of a character in this movie corresponds directly to how much hair he has on his face.

 

Smooth pick-up lines.

 

For example, our hero “Cowboy,” played like an altar boy by Tony Acone, leads the good-kids-really group of motorcycle enthusiasts, the Glory Stompers. His beardly, evil doppelganger, “Chino,” perfectly embodied by Dennis Hopper, looks like he just staged a prison escape with his ne’er-do-well band of hooligans, the Black Souls. The drama revs up right from the end of the groovy title song as Chino starts moving in on Cowboy’s “old lady,” Chris (Chris Noel,) who must be taking a long lunch from the secretary pool. Now it’s important at this juncture to illustrate the difference between an “old lady,” for lack of a better term, a girlfriend, and a “mama” who is basically a cycle slut, who can be sold or traded for other “mammas,” a warm can of beer, or whatever. Chris wants

her biker beau to settle down and give up the life – this film takes a definite moral stance on adult men with motorcycles and only one change of clothes.

 

Chino and his gang accost Chris and, in the process, knock Cowboy over the head with a rubber crowbar and leave him for dead. Adding felony kidnapping to murder, they decide to take Chris to Mexico and sell her to some “high-class” Mexicans.  Luckily, Cowboy revives and gives chase to rescue his “old lady.” Along the way, he meets a former “Stomper” Smiley Franks and receives another lecture on his lifestyle choices.

 

On a very special episode...

 

Meanwhile, Chino’s brother, “Clean Cut,” so named because he owns a razor, takes pity (read horny) on our heroine and decides to help her escape… to his bed roll. The gang leader’s raven-haired girlfriend Doreen takes every opportunity to sneer menacingly and flash her switchblade at the platinum-blonde Chris due to the attention she receives from her lascivious “old man.” This film single-handedly attempts to set relations between blondes and brunettes back decades. Chris manipulates Clean Cut, in an attempt to flee, but both are confronted by the brutish, “can’t seem to find a nice girl” Magoo. After Chino reestablishes the pecking order, the “Souls” once again move on toward Mexico (now nursing a few grudges) for the thrilling climax.

 

Except from some wooden acting from some of the good bikers, The Glory Stompers sports acceptable performances. Notably, Casey Kasem, who produced and co-starred in several other biker films, plays the latently homosexual, “Mouth.” And we meet our old friend, Gary Wood (“Pony”) who will, years later, charm RadRev in Hardbodies. Magoo was menacingly portrayed by stalwart B-list film heavy, Robert Tessier. And Jock Mahoney gives a sincere performance as the aging cyclist, “Smiley.” Anthony M. Lanza would go on to direct the racially-charged The Incredible

Two-Headed Transplant, a film classic that is often mentioned in the same breath as Citizen Kane.

 

A young and crazed Dennis Hopper is the real draw for this middle-of-the-road biker flick. Actually, The Glory Stompers does muster an innocent charm and decent story, with a softer moral core than others of this oil-stained genre. It’s a “feel good” biker flick that you can watch with your grandma. Definitely worth a rental, but nothing spectacular here for biker film aficionados. Only one question: How does Cowboy keep his whites so white?

 

Rating: 3/5 Rubber Crowbars

 

 

 

 

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