By: Frank

 

Troll 2 is widely recognized as a king in the so-bad-it's-good horror cannon, but its younger brother The Crawlers (aka Troll 3, aka Contamination .7) manages all of the crap and almost none of the fun (Angelina Jolie's kids are more closely related than these two films.) It's not completely unentertaining, but it lacks the unique spark that made Troll 2 stand tall among IMDb bottom 100 listers.

 

If you're looking for the grotesque midgets that populated its prediscesor, look elsewhere; namely to the "other" Troll 3, Quest for the Mighty Sword (which also has nothing whatsoever to do with Troll 2, other than the fact that it made use of the same made-up little people as a budgetary corner-cutting method.)

 

 

What you will find here is acceptably laughable acting, and for that reason alone it's worth wasting part of a Friday night on. If your dinner is, for instance, a 40 oz. of King Cobra malt liquor, then Troll 3 will make an agreeable dessert. For lovers of Troll 2, you probably want to watch this just to know you've turned every stone in the "Troll universe."

 

The flimsy plot that exists in The Crawlers revolves around a nuclear facility that has been illegally dumping waste in a nearby forest, causing the local plant life to mutate and strike back at humankind in murderous ways. What results can be seen one of two ways: either as a cautionary tale of environmental abuse, or a cautionary tale about the power of a film to suck your soul right through your eye sockets. You can probably guess which one is more accurate.

The first half of the film is a bunch of nonsense dramatic setup excecuted by non-a, and the second half is people being grappled by paper-mâché branches. There's one mediocre gore scene, and it's rendered horrible by inept editing.

 

The most interesting moment of the film is one that within the context of a less-awful film would be nothing more than a minor piece of storytelling not worthy of attention. Within the context of The Crawlers, it becomes nearly magical; the little brother of protagonist Josie shows her some pictures he's drawn as they lay together before bedtime one evening. That's it. If you're expecting the next piece of action that explains the magic, then you haven't seen The Crawlers. What makes this otherwise everyday moment so special is that the kid seems like he's actually acting. Or maybe it's that he's not trying to act. We're so deep in the black arts of despicable acting at this point that I couldn't even tell you. Regardless, it's the only moment of earnestness during this entire 90 minutes of willful hatred against the art of performance.

 

 

I don't recommend that anyone spend much time or money seeking this movie out; it's best left to cheese completists and Troll aficionados only. However, while this may seem to counter my attitude toward the film, I am proud to have it my collection. I can't explain myself other than to pass on the words of the late, great GG Allin: "Abuse me, I want to die."

 

I will be reviewing The Crawlers' half-brother Quest for the Mighty Sword sometime in the not-too-distant future. Don't shit yourself in excitement!

 

 

Rating: 1/5 Scary Sticks

 

Bad in a Bad way