Skatetown, U.S.A. (1979)
Rollerskating Comedy
Director: William Levey
Starring: Scott Baio, Greg Bradford, Patrick Swayze, Maureen McCormick,
Flip Wilson, Billy Barty, Melissa Sue Anderson, Ruth Buzzi
Availability: Bootleg
Posted: 3/31/08
By: Mordicai
I pity these fools.
On the evening of July 12, 1979, Chicago’s Comiskey Park erupted into cathartic chaos as thousands of enraged baseball fans burned disco records in a spectacle that would have impressed the Nazis. For too long that pestilence had held this country hostage in its slap bass-laden grip, but, now free, America could breathe a collective sigh of relief. Unfortunately, I was far too young to have danced on disco’s grave that fateful night, but I would have loved to have been there, if only to toss my copy of Skatetown USA onto the pyre. In an instantaneous blaze, this film was rendered outmoded, I’m sure to the chagrin of its producers who were probably watching in horror as the skates and the cameras rolled on.
Nobody puts Swayze in a corner.
This is just your tired old boy-from-the-Valley meets sister-of-the-resident-champ-at-a-disco-
skating-contest love story. Stanley (Greg Bradford) is a street skater who longs for the big time at the eponymous über-rink Skatetown USA. Tagging along are his “manager” Richie (Scott Baio) and boy-crazy, former-Brady sister Susan (Maureen McCormick.) Ace (a young Patrick Swayze) leads the rubber-wheeled hooligans, the Upper West Side Wheelers, and tries to look as straight as you can when you’re barechested, sporting only a vest and engaged in choreographed disco skating. If you care, he holds the coveted title of “Skate King of L.A.” You can pretty much guess what happens when Stanley skates onto the strobe-beaten waxed floor, if you’ve ever seen any other movie in your life. Oh and there’s an especially repugnant magical DJ who can summon the 70’s at will – yes, it’s that kind of movie.
The heart and asshole of Skatetown.
The only thing that saves Skatetown USA is the onslaught of B-grade celebrity cameos and the delight of seeing big stars in an embarrassing early film role. All roads continue to run through Zapped! as both Baio and Bradford would reunite in that film classic. Bradford is a poor man’s Mark Hamill, and though he skates like a pro, he has certainly spent more time under a hairdryer than taking acting lessons. Baio phones it in for the few scenes he has—rumor has it that he did this project to pay off debts he owed to the mob. Marsha Brady is memorable only because of her tube-top, but not her performance. Patrick Swayze, in his first film role, is trying way too hard considering the less than perfunctory effort given by all those around him. Director William A Levey should have stuck to soft core skin flicks – what a shame; a handful of nudity could have changed my whole opinion of this movie.
There are so damn many “celebrities” that I have little choice but to list them. If you don’t remember the names, you will sure know the faces:
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Flip Wilson – the great cross-dressing comedian – why, Flip, why?
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Ruth Buzzi – I never thought I’d say this, but underused, and luckily not nearly as annoying as she was in the “Laugh-In” years.
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Billy Barty – was everywhere in the 60’s and 70’s, most notably working with the Brothers Krofft. It’s quite a trip to see a little person on skates, but he’s one of the best performers in this movie.
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Ron Palillo – was that wacky “Horshack” from “Welcome Back Kotter”
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Melissa Sue Anderson – Mary Ingalls from “Little House on the Prairie” – I’m going to spare you my obvious blind jokes.
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Dorothy Stratten – 1980 Playmate of the Year – gone but not forgotten.
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Murray Langston – “the Unknown Comic,” “Gong Show” regular and “70’s funny guy” – guess you had to be there. He also plays a drunk… hilarious – it sure was a different era…
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Dave Mason – proves that you didn’t have to be good looking to be a pop star in the 70’s. This movie gives him a 98 minute hand job.
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Bill Kirchenbauer – ugh, too soon for Nam flashback jokes. H also played the coach/ dad on TV’s “Growing Pains” and “Just the Ten of Us.”
One of the things I hate about LA is the Traffic.
The corny 70’s jokes and Styrofoam acting make you wonder if you’re watching a high school play rehearsal. The sets are an epileptic’s nightmare, a cacophony of obligatory disco jams and retina-searing light displays, guaranteed to leave you dizzy and noxious afterward. The editing is atrocious and the camerawork… well, lets just say that several oblivious extras skate right into the lens during the sweet “skate’s-eye-view” shots. Both the video quality and garbled sound of the bootleg copy I have renders an already unwatchable film excruciating.
Nice camerawork.
Skatetown USA is nothing more than a fumbled attempt to squeeze the last morsel of cash out of a dying fad. It had the most limited of runs, and never saw the light of VHS. It’s disjointed, plotless and pointless; an unending melee of people skating around between painfully unrelated comic vignettes and archaic musical acts. Imagine “Soul Train” without the soul and throw in a dorky “Wizard” with a white afro wig in place of the great Don Cornelius. This is pure disco sensory overload—be glad you didn’t have to watch it multiple times to review this abomination on wheels.
This is perhaps the gayest film I have ever seen. Even the drunkest of disco aficionados will turn their giant sunglasses away from this ridiculous piece of skatesploitation. Go home instead and rent Xanadu, but if that’s your cup of tea, then why even split hairs? In my unlicensed medical opinion, if you are pregnant, prone to seizures, or suffer from boogie fever you must avoid Skatetown USA at all costs. However, if you absolutely must watch this movie, be sure to take a bunch of drugs and just keep telling yourself that Baio was young and needed the money.
Rating: 1/5 Wacky Afro Wigs
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