Review by Frank

 

I really wanted to like this and I held on to every morsel of goodness in it. But this just isn't a great movie. Bear with me as I give you a rundown on the story, then I'll give the good and bad points.

 

A family acquires an old house after a relative leaves it to them in his will. They realize it's creepy from the get-go, but they have no idea that it contains an ancient book with the power to unleash evil on the universe. And to make things worse, a vampire husband and wife team is after the book. When preteen son Danny finds the magical book and inadvertently releases monsters in the house, things start to get wacky. A series of hyjinks leaves the mom with a vampire bite on the neck, the teen daughter nearly molested by gill-man, and dad clueless to everything happening right in front of him. When the family calls an exterminator about some bats in their attic, the man that comes turns out to be wannabe Van Helsing who somehow knows the book is in the house. He convinces the family that they have to fight the monsters that are now outnumbering the humans in the house (Luckily, the monsters are brain damaged and blind.) It turns out, mom and dad had a party planned for the upcoming Saturday… the 14th! Van Helsing tells them not to cancel the party. He wants to use the guests' energy to fight the evil... er, something like that. On top of everything else, Billy, the young son, has suddenly gone missing…

 

The big party comes around, the vampire couple shows up, and Van Helsing becomes involves in a showdown with them. Suddenly Billy appears alongside the vampires. He accuses Van Helsing of being the enemy, and hits him in the crotch with the book. Van Helsing is swallowed up into a bright magical light, never to be seen again. We're expected to believe that vampires were kindly after all, and just wanted to keep the book from the evil Van Helsing. The sudden final shot shows the family standing outside of their house, already living happily ever after.

 

Basically it's a wholly unoriginal plot that also manages to be pointlessly convoluted. It's hard to believe they weren't making a lot of this up as they went. This movie is about jokes and bad special effects, because that's about all that's left over after the shoddy plot fails to do its job. Which is okay by me, except that most of the jokes are trite and hokey. The few comedic set-ups that work are barely worth waiting for. For instance: the parents, Mary and John, continuously blame suspicious sounds they hear on "owls", despite the fact that the sounds are totally un-owl like. It's funny the first time, but after the third reference, it gets a little "rolleyes," as the kids would say.

 

Two graces (although they didn't save much) were Jeffrey Tambor as Waldemar the Vampire and Severn Darden as Van Helsing. Tambor is a solid bet in any wacked-out character role, and he does what he can as the not-so-mysterious vampire. But he can't carry the movie given his relatively short screen time. Neither can Darden, but his Helsing is surprisingly in the pocket. He nails more decent jokes than anyone else in the cast, although that's a distinction I'm certain he never added to his resume.

 

The only other cast member who stands out is Kari Michaelson, who plays daughter Debbie. She's not a talented actor, at least not in this instance, but she sure is a hot. It's too bad for us that she didn't get naked in this movie, but it's even worse for her that her career-defining role was a character on 'Gimme a Break.'

 

The coolest thing about Saturday the 14th is the bad monster costumes combined with the overactive fog machines and spotty lighting. Image if Ed Wood directed a mid-80's cheapo horror like Troll or House, and you're starting to get the vibe of these scenes. The impetuous behind the horrible costume quality was most likely budget, not humor, but it definitely works for getting a laugh. Gill-man's costume was at least two sizes too big for the actor playing him. He waddles around like a drunken diver with a hand-me-down SCUBA suit.

 

 

Another crappy monster is the fellow pictured to the right. That thing makes the ape costume that my grandmother made me in the 3rd grade look like the work of Rick Baker.

 

The movie manages to mangle a series of costumes: aliens, mummy, gorilla, and more. It's a bit like watching the worst episode of the 80's series 'Monsters' stretched out over an hour and a half.

 

But despite the obvious shortcomings, there are some shots that look pretty cool in the movie, especially for people who have nostalgic ties to 80's monster flicks like Monster Squad and Waxwork, or to the monster-filled schlock-fests of the sixties. If you're a sucker for cheesy monster horror, then you'll find a certain charm in this film. Also, it doesn't hurt if you like bad comedic timing and awkward editing.

 

But for everyone else, it probably isn't worth watching.

 

 

Rating: 1.5/5 Severed Heads

 

Bad in Bad way

 

 

 

 

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