By: Frank

 

A guy walks in to a bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

 

Bartender: Hey listen, how's the wife?
Guy: Oh you didn't hear? She died last week. Gonorrhea... strangled to death.
Bartender: Gee, that's too bad. Hey wait a minute, people don't strangle to death
when they have gonorrhea.
Guy: Well, they do when they give it to me.

 

Ba-dum bum!

 

Before modern media's tentacles had collectively crawled up your ass and mine, before things like HBO, Netflix, or internet had yet to shine their white cheeks up at the sun, there was an age when people understood the true value of a filthy comedy film. It was a commodity that was bought and sold in downtown movie theaters and late-night drive-in spots. Me, I was still a brand new baby when this era was fast coming to an end. But given the choice, I would have pulled up my diapers, escaped from my crib prison, collected the change in the couch cushions, and set out to cherry-pop my virgin eyes and ears with blue jokes and boobies. But try as I did, my fat little legs would never lift me over those mesh walls.

 

If You Don't Stop It, You'll Go Blind!!! is just the kind of movie I would have told a toddler-totting cab driver to steer me toward. Imagine The Groove Tube meets 'Hee Haw' as written by Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Once melded, however, it's not as bad as all that. The concept promised cheap, readymade production: half-rate actors play out a classic dirty jokes as skits, with nudity supplied by all females under 140 pounds. This fun little movie proves that it's still amusing to laugh with (and at) the sort of silly joshing that went on during the poker games of yesteryear.

 

 

 

 

 

 If You Don't Stop It… briskly serves up its sex jokes and punctuates them with hackneyed timpani rolls and trombone slides that are funnier at times than the gags themselves. The majority of the humor plays on the contrast between the relatively conservative mainstream social values that still existed in 1975 (despite hippies and disco, celebrity sex tapes and a presidential blowjobs were still decades away from the public consciousness) and the carnal humor of the barroom. This film is why urban adolescents of the era snuck out of the house and into the theater, and consequently it's a interesting piece of 70's cinema. Despite its dated sensibility, anyone with a halfway decent sense of humor when it comes to schlocky cheese—those who like to drink in particular—will find it difficult to keep a straight face during this utterly brainless caper. Many of the jokes are ironically laughable because they're bad. But damned if a lot of the classic dirty jokes don't still work when packaged up exploitation-style with buckets of boobs. Surprisingly, If You Don't Stop It... is genuinely and unpretentiously hilarious at times.The joke breakdown is about 65% "laugh at," 30% "laugh with," and 5% "weep."

 

This is not an easy VHS to get hold of, but it's a worthy buy if it rolls around. The best bet for catching this one is to check the bootleg download sites, and until someone decides to release this on DVD (Larry The Cable Guy will make a funny joke before that happens), watch it by any means necessary.

 

Rating: 3.5/5 Orgasms

 

Good in a Good way

 

 

 

 

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